Where do babies come from?

The Edge, August 22, 2009

This question is most often asked by kids—or parents with five or more children. Some avoid the truth by making ridiculous statements, such as, “They come from a cabbage patch,” which explains why many kids don’t like eating green leafy vegetables—it’s too much like cannibalism.

However, it’s better to just come out with the truth about where babies come from.

There is no point beating around the bush.

I mean, you should just say it like it is.

Don’t be afraid to tell kids exactly where babies come from.

There is no point in avoiding the question.

And don’t be embarrassed by the truth.

Shying away from the answer is just cowardly.

You’d be surprised how many macho men will go to any lengths to give anything but the real answer and, likewise, macho women.

A straightforward answer about the origin of babies should always be given. You don’t want the child to end up thinking you don’t know yourself—that would be more embarrassing than the actual answer.

And making up a silly answer to such important questions can be bad for their health. Especially if your explanation involves driving a car on a rainy evening at a speed above the speed limit, while drinking, texting, smoking and juggling chainsaws—all at once.
Just be bold and give a direct answer.

And don’t go and change the subject either—some people do that to avoid the uncomfortable situation.
I had a couch once that was uncomfortable. We ended up buying a new one, which was much nicer. It matched the carpet in our lounge room. You’d be surprised how many people don’t even consider the benefits of a carefully-selected couch and carpet ensemble.

The resulting harmonised Tai Chi of the room has been known to increase fertility—which is great if you want to grow cabbages in your lounge room.

Facts: When Adam and Eve awoke after each of their creations, they found themselves in a vegie patch—in among the cabbages. Being the first humans, technically, we can say all babies have come from this cabbage patch. Also, a caesarean was originally “a type of salad (or mix up) of lettuce-y leaves,” which now describes complicated child births.