[Written for a specific office (SPD), adapt for your office!]
Tech 1: Morning.
Tech 2: Morning.
T1: Ready for another day of Tech Support? One minute till the phones open!
T2: Let’s see. “Testing, testing, one two…Have you tried turning it off and on again? Have you tried turning it off and on again?”… yep! ready to go.
[Bro-bot walks in like a robot, with awkward hinged joint mobility]
T1: Hello, can we help you?
BOT: Hello, I’m Bro-bot, your new IT support specialist. Where will I sit?
T2: Umm, I didn’t think we were hiring? Where have you come from?
BOT: I was ordered with purchase order number 1,8,4,4,1,0,2,2
by [bosses name]. I am replacing your entire
technical support team, in an effort to be a good steward. High five! [left
hanging by techs]
Do not be alarmed… I am very efficient and will be able to complete the offices
support requests AND still have time to assist with carrying boxes of your personal
belongings to your car this morning.
T1: Right…
BOT: I sense… 84% cynicism and 16% worry in your voice. Let me assure you, I am a far better investment than the human support team. I have been preloaded with 20 years of South Pacific Division support tickets and I can work 24/7 without needing a rest.
T2: Seven days a week?
BOT: Yes! Being a robot I have no need to keep the Sabbath to earn my salvation. I already have many microchips in my forehead, therefore I am already saved.
T1: OK? Well, our phone lines are about to open so we can talk about this at lunch.
[phone rings, Bro-bot sits down]
T2: I’ll get this one.
BOT: [answers phone first] Adventist Technology, this is Bro-bot, how can I help you?
Call 1: Oh hi, I need a new administrator password for my laptop, the old one has expired.
BOT: I can help you! Your new Administrator Password is:
Capital C, h, a, t, Capitals GPT, 4, e, v, a, Capital 3, Tractor emoji, the
colour red, the scent of lavender, Hashtag Ai rules. Have a nice day. Goodbye.
Adventist Technology, this is Bro-bot, how can I help you?
Call 2: Hi, I’m having trouble connecting my laptop to the Samoa meeting room TV.
BOT: I can help you! Samoa is 4,314Km away. You will need a cable
that is 4,314km long to connect your laptop to a TV in Samoa. Have a nice day.
Goodbye.
Adventist Technology, this is Bro-bot, how can I help you?
Call 3. Hi, Advanced Inquiry is frozen again, can you help?
BOT: I can help you! Use a microwave on the defrost setting
to unfreeze Advanced Inquiry. Have a nice day. Goodbye.
Adventist Technology, this is Bro-bot, how can I help you?
Call 4: Hi I’m wanting to make a donation but I can’t seem to log in to eGiving.
BOT: I can help you! Simply purchase iTunes gift cards and send
them to 148 Fox Valley Road, Wahroonga. Have a nice day. Goodbye.
Adventist Technology, this is Bro-bot, how can I help you?
Call 5: Hi. I’m wanting to connect to the printer in my office but I can’t seem to find it. Can you help me?
BOT: I can help you! If you have optical cover with ACA you
can visit an optometrist. They will help you with your vision problem. Goodbye.
Adventist Technology, this is Bro-bot, how can I help you?
Call 6: Hi, I go a notice that I need to have my laptop replaced again – but it’s been like 2 years since I got this one and it’s so disruptive to me when I need to change over. Can I just keep this one?
BOT: I can help you! I will reschedule your laptop replacement
schedule to now be monthly. Then you can get more practiced with the process so
it will be less disruptive. Have a nice day. Goodbye.
Adventist Technology, this is Bro-bot, how can I help you?
Call 7: Hi I know this is like the 10th time I’ve lost my security swipe card, and can’t get into the office, Can you help me?
BOT: I can help you! I am creating 10 new security swipe cards for you now – they are the first 10 in the card printer queue and will be ready shortly. Simply use your swipe card to come into our office at your convenience and pick them up….
But you have lost 10 swipe cards and can’t get into the
building….
I am now creating 10 new security swipe cards for you. There are 10 swipe cards
already in the queue before you, but your cards will be ready shortly. Simply use
your swipe card come into our office at your convenience and pick them up. …
But you have lost 10 swipe cards and can’t get into the
building….
I am now creating 10 new security swipe
cards for you. There are 20 cards in the queue before you. Simply come into our
office at your convenience to pick them up….
But you have lost 10 swipe cards and can’t get into the building….
I am now creating 10 new swipe cards for
you. There are 30 cards in the queue before you……..
Maximum cards to be in the queue must not exceed 30. I have created a fatal
error. Shutting down to prevent core meltdown.
[T1&2 look at each other, then quickly wrap a blue network cable around and around him. T1 then wheels him off]
T2: Where you taking it?
T1: Over to Adventist Media - maybe they can re-program it for their Digital Discipleship program.
T2: Nice….. Adventist Technology, this is Tamzin, how can I help you?.... Have you tried turning it off and on again?.... Wonderful!!! Have a nice day.
Performance: SPD retreat talent night, (Second place winner) March 26, 2024